I Have a Flaw

I know what you are thinking...just one flaw??? Well, i do realize that i have way more then that, however, i have been thinking about one more then others lately. I am stubbornly independent. Yes, independence can be a good thing. But when it comes to needing and asking for help from others....well, i just don't like it. I have been thinking more then not lately, that little phrase, If you want something done right-do it yourself. I have become rather particular how i do most everything and becoming a little too much of a perfectionist at silly details that really don't matter to anyone but me.

Why is it so hard to swallow my pride and just let people help me??? For instance, the other day the wood guy came and dropped a mountain of wood in our driveway. My dad, being a wiener decided not to help at all seeing as how mom complained last time he did it-thanks mom. So, i had to put it all in the garage. My mom trying to be helpful, moved the one pile to another b/c i just couldn't let her pile in the garage. There was an order you know. Even that 'help' was frustrating when she piled too high and it kept landing on my foot. Man do i have stubborn pride in my life.

During Bible school, i screwd up my knee and ended up on crutches for what was supposed to be a week or so(i lasted 2 days tops). The guy i went to Christian Service saw me and said that he was kind of glad to see me like that. This blew me away a bit so i asked him to explain. To which he said no, you'll get mad. After some pressing, he said that i finally looked human and actually looked vulnerable. Finally, i had to ask others for help and couldn't get away from it. Interesting i thought. Good to know how people feel. To which got me thinking more-even this week, how do other people really see me. EEE...maybe i don't wanna know. And part of the reason i ditched the crutches early....i hated having to ask others to carry my meal trays, and carry stuff for me. I hate feeling helpless. Good thing God isn't finished with me yet. : )

Another silly Quiz...

but oh so funny!!


You are Sir Bedevere! Wise and creative, you are
able to counsel others as well as come up with
some really ingenious plans of attack...sort
of.



thanx to trav for the silliness!

Quote of the Day

"If a man does not make new acquaintances as he advances through life, he will soon find himself alone. A man should keep his friendships in constant repair."

Samuel Johnson (1709 - 1784)

Jumbled Thoughts

So, i went to church this morning for one reason. I went to get new books to read. Then Paul spoke. It was really good and i felt convicted. It wasn't one of those times where you deny and go, well so and so should be hearing this message-it was wow, i needed to hear this message. Being in a position of joblessness and brokeness and frustratedness (it's my word let it be), doesn't give me any right to be whiny and selfish. I can still very well reach out and not be a snob. I've noticed that lately i have a really crappy attitude towards others-even if some deserve it-it's not my place to be a snob. The part of the message that really stuck was when Paul said whatever you do, stand it beside Jesus and then compare. Like Wade wrote: "I ain't nothin". : ) Basically, i think that i need to work on my attitude and try to be more friendly at C&C to people i normally wouldn't talk to.

In other news, i've become really apathetic about my job situation and many other situations in my life and this probably is not a good thing. I'm not content with where i'm at in my relationship with God, or what is happening in my life in general. I'm ready to move away from this city-which i love quite dearly. But i've come to a point where i feel there is nothing left here for me. I'm not saying i don't have any friends, because that is certainly not the case. I have some very dear friends with whom it's rare to ever have troubles with. But at the same time, i just feel like there has to be something better somewhere for me. Now if i just knew where.

New unrealistic dream: move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish for a couple months and then 'pop' down to Panama for awhile and work with people. Now i just need to win the lottery and all shall be well.

Hotmail goes Big

So i went to do some emailing stuff today and looked over at the side of the page. Instead of the usual 50-60% spaced used up, i had 1%. Hmmm...but wait...what's this different number beside it? Seems as though hotmail has finally increased their space. YEAH!! Oh happy day. Yup, something this simple makes my day brighter. It has to really. When you don't do a whole lot, you start looking for the extremely simple things to make life happy. Something i forgot for awhile. Oh well, off to find me a job!

I hate being a jerk

Why is it that it's soo much easier to be nice to people who are not part of your immediate family? Tonite my dad was trying to be helpful. This involved standing beside the TV while i was trying to watch ER and offering advice on what type of questions possible employers may ask me. I realize he was trying to be good and help-i tried really politely to let him know thank you, but i know. Apparently that didn't work, and i tried to make a parralel (SP?) to this being similar to me talking while he is watching the news. That didn't go over so hot either. So now my dad's feelings are hurt, i'm more frustrated then before and mom of course goes into the guilt trip of he's only trying to help. Argh...i just need a job already and a day without a hundred questions being asked. It's hard to answer tons of questions-especially when you do nothing all day but clean the house and suntan.
I know God takes care of people when they need it most-by His standards of when that is and not ours. And to be perfectly honest, God's ticking me off. For just once, i want something to work out earlier rather then months later.